Thursday, March 18, 2010

i must have taken a wrong turn at albuquerque

whenever i hear "albuquerque" or see it written, i always think of bugs bunny tunneling through the ground then popping his head up, looking around and making the observation that it doesn't look like Pismo Beach and he must have taken a wrong turn at albuquerque. i was telling johnhenry about it as we passed through there again on wednesday and spent the night. he said he didn't know what i was talking about. i need to show him some old looney tunes. looking back, so much of that was for adults too though. and what happened to heckyl and jeckyl? woody woodpecker? i haven't seen reruns of those shows in decades.

the trip home has been mostly about that, getting home. we did stop in tucumcari for a picture at the historical marker. it has been a very quiet trip home. the boys have been rowdy, especially atticus. he gets very antsy, and i know it is very hard for a 3 year old to sit for so long. the silence is with chris. ironically it speaks volumes to travel 1500 miles in a car with someone and have nothing to say to them. i am not sorry i called him to help me get the boys home. their safety is paramount and i am experiencing some problems with my epilepsy that i have never had before that has me shaking and parkin' out like michael j fox on a cold day. don't know if it is the new med or what, but i can't drive and i need to get to my neurologist. it is just unfortunate that it is just solidifying our fate with one another. but that isn't what this trip was about, it was about my boys and me.

my biggest boy, dane, called me last night. he has been trying to figure some things out for himself lately. such an amazing and talented young man. so kind, sweet, amazing drummer and now he wants to do hair. i say great! whatever makes him happy and gets him going. it is not what i would have chosen for his life, but there is a whole book i can write about dane and the love i have for that child and what having him at such a young age did to my life and his. another time. anyhooooo, he is coming back to st. louis to be with his girlfriend madi, start doing music again and go to school to do hair. he says he will still be able to be creative, be himself and make money and do his music. sounds like good thinking to me.

after tunneling along these last 37 years i look around and this doesn't look like Pismo Beach to me either. never thought this is who or where i would be. never thought i would have 3 kids with such a huge difference in age. never thought i would dislike motherhood so much. i know you are not supposed to say that, but it is true. it doesn't mean i don't love my children. quite the contrary, i love them to the point of obssessive worry and sickness. part of why i dislike motherhood. never thought a lot of stuff. but who does? i guess no one ends up where they thought they would be.

heading home today form Oklahoma City. David Gray tickets tonight. a birthday gift from a very, very dear friend whom i hold close to my heart. i am taking johnhenry. i figured the show would be lost on atticus, even though he is the bigger fan.

Maybe i took a wrong turn at Albuquerque along the way somewhere. maybe we all did. do we go back and look for it? or just grab a carrot, walk around and take in the sights?


  1. Like you don't have enough to do, I know, but you should consider writing for publication. Editors exist to straighten out the little stuff. You have a gift for words.

  2. thanks andrea. i am liking writing. i have written lyrics, which is awesome, but this is different. we will see where it goes. thanks for the feedback and the messages.

  3. I used to think I made wrong turns...and then I realized that I have taken every turn I was supposed to take. I don't believe in mistakes or accidents, but that's just me.