Sunday, March 14, 2010

What a long, strange trip it's been

From the top we have the boys and i enjoying the mystery that is The Vulture Mine, an abandoned gold and silver mine outside of Wickenburg, AZ where people drive around in big pickup trucks with bumper stickers that say Proud White American and Drill Here, Drill Now, Drill Cheaper. Scary and not just because the mine is supposed to be haunted by all the dead miners. i told Angie to just pretend she was the nanny so they wouldn't try to shoot at us. the second picture is at a train park in Scottsdale. a lovely day. we had a picnic, then road the train and toured an old engine and coach car. the same day Atticus bought his boots, spurs and hat. he hasn't taken them off since. was also the day i locked my keys in the car. that sucked. i only have one set. luckily Chris was still answering my calls even though he didn't have to, and he was able to give the AAA number and have them come out. what a great thing AAA is. seriously. they were there lickity split, put this little air baggy thingy in my door and had it open in 2 seconds. who knew? the 3rd picture is at this beautiful park with this hella big fountain that shoots way up higher than any other fountain ever i guess, i ran for a bit while angie watched the boys and then afterward we played like fools. johnhenry has been in rare form. mr. comedian. telling jokes and doing all this physical comedy. he has also been a huge help with his little brother. playing with him and looking out for him.

so, i haven't blogged in a few days, as you can see we have had full days. plus angie doesn't have internet like i said before and getting the boys together and making them sit somewhere while i sit online seems counterproductive to the trip. plus, the trip hasn't been going exactly as planned. which is okay. i guess. if you are going to take a trip of discovery and ask questions, you have to be ready for the answers, whether you like them or not or if they are the answers you wanted or not. i was feeling lost and like i needed to reconnect with my children and see a good friend. i needed some distance and some peace. but wait, here it comes, cliche' alert, something i already knew but i am stubborn and impulsive and have anger management issues and i don't listen to anyone. anyway, peace isn't out there people, if it isn't in you, you aren't going to find it. and if you have a bunch a crap you are dealing with, you are most likely going to bring it with you.

issue number one. dealing with my children, on my own 24/7, especially Atticus has been a chore. i have always tried to be honest with myself about things. notice i said tried. i don't want to start lying to myself on a "journey of discovery" or whatever cheesy ass thing we want to call this at this point. In the movie Terms of Endearment, Debra Winger's character Emma says to her husband Flap, played by Jeff Daniels, as she is dying "As hard as you think it is going to be, you end wishing it was that easy." they are trying to decide what to do with their children after she dies. i love that line. it is so true. parenting is so hard. there are so many ways you can fuck it up. mentally, physically. and if you even hint that it might not be all this its cracked up to be, or it doesn't make you happy, you are an ogre, a terrible person. I wanted so much for this trip to be blissful and have this alleluia moment of motherhood while i run through fields holding my children's' hands and finally come to terms with my place in this world and at peace with motherhood. notice earlier i said i try to be honest with myself, because i can also idealize and romanticize things like a motherfucker. it is so frustrating having my head. my greatest asset and torment in life is this ability to be on both sides. anyway, that moment hasn't come, isn't coming. the opposite. i have become more overwhelmed actually. and i know with atticus it is mainly the age, 3 is very difficult, but it is full throttle all day long and he takes so much attention that i am finding it hard to effectively give time to johnhenry. i wanted so much for johnhenry to see the good, fun, loving side of me that used to be there, and now he is just hearing me bitch and yell all day because my patience is gone, shot, lost. my intention has been lost. don't get me wrong. we have done some great fun things, gone to parks, ghost towns and gold mines, road trains and had picnics, saw Alice in Wonderland(underwhelmed by the way), but the whole thing has left be overwhelmed and tired and i am admitting my limit has been hit.

issue number 2, my fucking meds again. so i am epileptic. some know this about me, some don't. probably have been most of my life, was officially diagnosed when i was 16 when i had a grand mal seizure in the kitchen of baby daddy number 1's parents's house. i had been having petite mal seizures for years, just didn't know what they were and never told anyone. they were these lovely little sensations where i would smell sweet smells and my head and hands would buzz and i would zone out and dream while awake. i was having one of those when i blacked out and woke up in the back of Richie's car in the parking lot of my mom's clinic. she is a nurse. i had started flopping around like a fresh caught fish on a dock in richie's kitchen out of the blue. that was April 1989, about 8 months after my first son was born, and a little over a year and a half after my stepfather had killed himself. i mention all that not for sympathy or anything like that, but stress, physical or mental, can bring on more seizure activity. they think. that is the problem. they don't know. anyway, so began my 21 year battle and love/hate relationship with epilepsy and anti-convulsant medication. it sucks. it has changed a lot over the years but it all fucks with your head and i hate it. plus my seizures have always been random or partial. so like a bad little epileptic, i go off and on my meds a lot. i recently went back on a lovely little med called topomax because of i was having petite mals and partial seizures on the left side of the body that were also very painful. this drug controls those. but like all drugs, it has side affects, like jitters and this one makes me forget to eat sometimes but also makes me really panicky and affects my sleep and makes me a little sad and moody. i hate it. i have tried this one before and went off of it for all these reasons. and the memory. most anti-seizure meds affect the memory, as an actress that sucks as you can imagine. so i am trying to adjust to this med again and it is not going well and it really isn't going well while i am trying to relax with my boys and get some time away from my failing marriage to think things out.

so why am i writing all this. why am i not writing pages about the crazy adventures my boys and i are having. because this is the reality of it and i would be lying if i did that. also, where i thought angie and i could find strength in each other both going through a tough time, i think it has been a bit much that we are both having such a rough time in our lives and are under a lot of stress and it is coming out. so we are over sensitive and snippy and bitchy. so i did a bunch of thinking the other night because i haven't been able to sleep, and i thought about the rest of the time i have and what was best for the boys and i called chris. he isn't very happy with me that i blogged to the world that we are having problems. he isn't as open about those things with his family and friends as i am, but as much as it kills me at this moment and i hate to admit it, i need him. maybe not for everything he wants me to need him for, but i do need him. driving the boys through those unexpected blizzards, the lack of sleep, having them 24/7, my meds fucking with me and the over all lack of peace finding, has left me feeling like it wasn't the safest choice for me to drive the boys by myself back home. so i asked him to come here and help me. for all of my problems with chris and our marriage, he is an amazing father and he loves our boys. he couldn't love johnhenry more if he was his own son and i need to put my needs, wants and swallow my pride and really do what is best for my boys. there is no one i trust with my children but him. so i called him and i was expecting him to tell me to go to hell, which i probably deserved, but he didn't, he came here to phoenix because it was the right thing to do and he is a good man. something i never give him enough credit for in our marriage.

soooo...... there is a poster i used to own that had a picture of a man holding his head in his hands and the caption said : FAILURE, When your best just isn't good enough. it was a joke of course. am i a failure. no. have i discovered i have limitations? yes. do people fail sometimes? yes. it is how we learn. i am still on this journey, i just know now i needed to put my oxygen mask on firmly first before i put anyone else's on.
now to decide if we go on to la tomorrow or not, or if i go on alone and fly back. we shall see. i know i am not driving anymore.
nothing is as it seems, it seems.

1 comment:

  1. Anything other than honesty bores the Hell out of me. Thank you for always being honest...if not always entirely forthcoming (LOL--epilepsy?).

    I think we both suffer from an addiction to romantic ideals. I don't even know how I got that way. Too much t.v. in the 70's/80's? Too many sappy movies? Too many books????

    I have seen recently (over and over...and now I can't even remember it correctly): Our success isn't measured by how often we fall, but by how often we get up.

    You get up a LOT, Brooke. You always inspire me. You are someone I admire.

    Thank you for taking us on this journey with you.

    Love and Light.